Raven's Log | September 5, 2007
Did anyone ever see the pilot for Fantasy Island. The original series pilot was much creepier, more Twilight Zone-esque. The cock-sucking Dvd store had what I believed was the original pilot at 3.99$ which is a bargain at any price. In fact the only better deal would be a broken drum stick, cause you can’t beat it . . . get it, you can’t beat it, Bwahahaha . . . Anyway, who knew these stupid fucks at Spelling/Goldberg made two fucking pilots. So, excited am I, thinking I’m gonna see this awesome show of my youth, where shit happened to greedy motherfuckers. Greedy pricks who said yeah bitches, I’m gonna smack you around and you’re gonna tell me you like it. Irony meet Raven’s balls. Well guess who got ram-booskied. I got some crap ass pilot number 2 which made me incontinent and have diarrhea at the same time. Who the fuck makes two pilots? Pilot number 1 isn’t even attainable, you ruthless commie fucks. That creepy little fuck tattoo, I know he was behind it and everywhere I looked as I felt flu-like symptoms come over me, I could sense Christopher Lee following me with a golden gun. I hid in a laundry basket, and when I thought I was safe, I crawled out in the dark and tripped over Ensign Chekhov, as he lay motionless, while an advanced 25th century eel crawled from out of his brain. Realizing I’d been duped by that poncy, midget fuck and his unintelligible accent, I tried to escape but as soon as I did I was wrapped in rich Corinthian leather, KHANNNNNN, I screamed and was dragged from my condo for another stay at my favorite summer hotel, the Vandenburg Sanitarium. Oddly enough, the director could have passed for Jim Mitchell, or Ming the Merciless, or pretty much any filthy queen who was gauche enough to wear a beard with a bald head. It’s so out of season. Anyway, how was your summer, kiddies?
Remember your Boss’s b’day is around the corner. Buy early and often. Actually, the Boss realizing he has been remiss in writing to you, feels he deserves nothing in return, and says save up for Christmas, or Yom Kippur or whatever merchandising event they have planned for December. Ironically I have at least 5 journal entries saved up, but wanted to make sure I didn’t engender any more ill will by getting your young little hearts excited and then producing nothing for a decade or two.
For your enjoyment, rent Perfect Creatures. Very Interesting twist on Vampires. They are the Church and they are babyfaces. Read Annihilation Wave. Best comic far and away all summer. World War Hulk=awesome. Bob Saget singing his manifesto about why Danny Tanner is not Gay, brilliant.
Oh, and if someone feels I still deserve a gift, I would like a copy of Revolver. Apparently Guy Ritchie made a movie in England after Swept (out with the trash) Away, and it’s supposed to be Snatch style. There is a short called InZero, the Boss wants. Batman Holy Terror, Tpb, and we need some re-usable trash bags at Casa Del Boss. I have decided to make my own shoot interviews, old Portland tapes, new tshirts, the works, which is why me and the elves up here in The Raven Effect, have been busier than usual. So Professor Vic, my Minister of Information will be opening up the lines of communication (a new thread), so we can see who you want me to shoot . . . . I mean interview. If you want just me, or me and Mitchell, or …. discussing politics or whatever. Which Portland shows you want to see, like me winning the Northwest title, etc.
Ok, my fingers officially hurt. I can’t imagine how much worse if I had to type this. KHANNNNNNNNN. You know if you’re not careful, you certainly won’t learn anything from this.
I am ready for my close up, Mr. DeMille